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Don’t shoot the exceptionally well dressed messenger.

I’d just come out of a tricky relationship with a difficult Englishwoman – smart and sexy but narcissistic and prone to mood swings.

Extremely popular with meisjes from the provinces is the glamour photoshoot event.

At this workshop, Dutch girls who have never worn heels, skirts or makeup before, get to learn how to look feminine. Thirty years from now Mariska will tell her children “I remember the only time in my life that I wore makeup and a skirt, and I have photos to prove it.”The women do have to sign a disclaimer that if they fall over and break their necks while wearing heels for the first time that the organisers can’t be held in anyway responsible. Queuing in shops, and loving the misfortune of others, sarcasm is part of the British DNA. Here are some helpful examples aimed at Dutch men who might be enjoying the pleasure of dating a British lady.

Some actual examples are below.“You must love it here in Holland, I’ve been to your country and it’s quite backwards”“It’s nice that you made the effort to learn Dutch, but you speak it so badly that we should just speak English”“you expats always go out and drink after work because you have no real friends here”Following the thrilling vrijgezellenfeest, the typical Dutch wedding can be a bit of anti-climax.

The no nonsense Dutch woman, relieved that she’s actually got a Dutchman to agree to marry her, will be quite happy with a quick civil ceremony, followed by some cheese cubes, cocktail sausages on a stick and some cheap beer and plenty of bottles of wine from Chateau Migraine.